Monday, September 28, 2009

A Rant for the Sake of Letting it Out.

I think that, despite how good my life is in the general perspective, my mind is going through so much mental stress, enough so that it could almost tip the balance in my life towards that favor.

Don't get me wrong. I love everything I'm doing right now.
Being a college student is great; you have to study, but at the same time you meet people from all different walks of life because you're not restricted by age differences.
Then there's me, in addition to working as a graphic designer at my parent's place, trying to become a freelance artist. But it's also hard because there's so much in my life that demands my attention...
Then there's Tsunami, me and Elvin's collaborative trance DJ team. There's so much we're doing to get out there, we've already got so much that other DJs who within a year haven't been able to do what took us literally two months to get to. Mashing up tracks, trying to make our own acapellas with vocalists we know... It's great.
Then there's my career goal in life, to become an concept designer in the entertainment industry. But I have to work on my portfolio, submit it and apply to Art Center for the Fall 2010 term, before that can come close to happening... And it's going to be another 5 years before I think I will be where I want to be career-wise.

There's so much going on right now, I get frustrated so easily just because there's so many things I'm inching towards, but because of the number of things that can happen, I don't think it's happening fast enough. And that gets me. Hard. And I'm also growing up too fast I'm told. And I always say "age is a matter of the mind" but sometimes I can't help but feel I have grown way past than just an 18 year old; I feel like I'm 26, and I've also ostracized myself from people my own age as a result of that.

And I think I could definitely get to where I want to be, so much faster, if only I'm allowed to. Because I'm 18, because I still live with my parents... I'm grateful for everything they do for me. But they're narrow minded. I want to live my life to the best I can, to do everything I love and dream. But they don't want me to go, because they fear what they don't know. Or maybe they just don't want to let me go. It's funny though, because my dad always threatens to boot me out of the house when I reach adulthood. But... I'm still here. The things that take the worst toll on my state of mind is all the small things they do to keep from other bigger pictures. Like not wanting me to go out when I want to go meet other artists, when they say they would get me a used car couple weeks ago, so I can do things on my own. Yet where is my damn car? And then there's my mom, doing small things like taking an hiding all of my lighters (what the hell?). Small insignificant things like that, which when summed up all together, make a big difference. But I'm an adult now, for crying out loud.

I think that's one of the worst things a parent can do, to defy and not believe in what is their child's dreams. They want what's best for their child, don't get me wrong, and I for one am grateful for that. But they forget, that we, their heirs, their sons and daughters, have our own dreams to pursue, and those don't come without risks...

Sorry I just had to rant, and it helps to let it all out. Speaking of which, Lange has a new single with Sarah Howells called "Let It All Out," and it's an amazing tune. The Ronski Speed Mix definitely gets me every time. Enough tangents though. Sorry for this long rant of a post of nothing but text, I'll have something less depressing for me to talk about tomorrow.. (Insert sad smile here.)

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